Phil's High School Survival Guide
by Jemascola
Summary: Ned, Cookie, and Moze are now in James K Polk high school. However, they are in the shadow of three students who write a survival guide for high school.
1. Chapter 1

**Phil's High School Survival Guide**

_**By Joe**_

**Summary:** Ned, Cookie, and Moze are now in James K Polk high-school. However, they are in the shadow of three students who write a survival guide for high school.

**Author Notes:** I do not own Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide, its characters, or any other copyrighted material. I am, however, the creator of my own OCs (original characters).

**Chapter 1**

The dawning of a Monday in September occurred, and it just so happened to be a big day for three teenagers named Ned Bigby, Jennifer Mosley, and Simon "Cookie" Cook. That was because it was the day they were to become high-schoolers! They were to go to James K. Polk high-school, the sister school of James K. Polk middle-school. All three friends were excited to become high-schoolers. They were no longer little kids of middle-school, and they were no longer threatened by the ominous vigil of Vice-principal Crubbs. They finally received their independence, and they wanted to savor every moment of it.

They met each other in the halls of the glorious school at 8:00 am. It was a huge building. The ceiling of the main entrance seemed to rise up forever, and all the windows and the precisely angled corners of the ceiling gave the main entrance a very dynamic appearance. The color scheme was much like that of James K. Polk middle school, however, and the design for the classrooms remained similar as well.

"Guys, we're now officially high-schoolers!" exclaimed Ned, who began jumping up and down.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Moze said, holding him back. "You need to **act** like a high-schooler. High-schoolers don't jump up and down and act giddy…except for us girls, of course."

Ned noticed that Cookie was using his computerized glasses again. "What are you doing now, Cookie?"

"I'm hacking into the system to see what classes we've got," he said with an excited grin.

"Cookie, you know that they give out schedules. You don't need to hack into the system," Moze said.

"Oh," Cookie said in a crestfallen manner.

Ned, Cookie, and Moze went to get their schedules from the main office. There was a total of six periods for a typical school day, and the guys had every single class together! The classes they had were Chemistry, Algebra, American Literature, Physical Education, Painting, and U.S. History.

The bell rang, and the three of them raced to their first class, which was Chemistry. Their teacher was Mr. Tony Tuba-Matzger. Mr. Matzger was of African-American descent and had short, curly black hair and a trim gray beard. He spoke with somewhat of a German accent. Ned, Cookie, and Moze sat down at their desks and waited with the other students for Mr. Matzger to begin teaching.

"Good morning, class. My name is Mr. Tony Tuba-Matzger, but you can just call me Mr. Matzger. This class is Chemistry, and you will need to know your polyatomic ions and keep up with your lab book, or you **will** fall behind," Mr. Matzger said.

Suddenly, the class was disrupted by the bellowing laughter of three students. Mr. Matzger shot an angry look at them. All three were boys that sat behind Ned, Cookie, and Moze.

"Excuse me! State your names," Mr. Matzger said.

The tall, big-boned student with dark brown hair, thin-rimmed rectangular glasses, and a red plaid shirt spoke first. "My name is John Phillip Harris, Jr., but most people refer to me as 'Phil' or 'Big Phill'."

The boy sitting next to Phil, a tall boy with shaggy brown hair and green shirt spoke next. My name's Tyler," he said with a somewhat drawn-out accent.

Finally, the third boy, an extremely short, immature looking boy with a buzz cut, red necktie, and black briefcase spoke. "My name's Joe, but some people call me Joe the Nerd. I follow the stock market ad-infinitum. Did you know that the Dow-Jones Industrial Average recently closed above 12,000, a key psychological barrier…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever," Mr. Matzger said. "Listen, will you boys just shut up and let me teach? I don't want to have to put up with your nonsense anymore. 'Kay?" Phil, Tyler, and Joe nodded their heads in unison. Then, Mr. Matzger turned his back to the students and began to lecture about polyatomic ions. Ned, Cookie, and Moze turned around to face Phil, Tyler, and Joe.

"Hey, guys, I'm Ned," Ned said quietly. "These are my friends, Cookie and Moze."

"Nice to meet you, too," Phil said. "As you know, my name is Phil Harris, Jr., and those guys are Tyler and Joe."

"What do you like to do?" Moze asked.

"Well, you see, I plan to start a career as a diesel mechanic. I have a 1980 Scout II pickup truck that runs on diesel. When I graduate this year, I will go to a technical college to get further experience in the field," Phil said.

"_Graduate_? Are you a senior?" Moze asked.

"Yes, I am," said Phil. "Tyler and I are seniors, and Joe is a junior." Moze nodded in understanding.

"I'm pretty much against the President and his actions," Tyler spoke. Ned nodded, and then, everyone looked at Joe, who was keying away at a laptop he pulled out of nowhere.

"Don't ask what Joe's doing – he's probably following the stock market as we speak," Tyler warned.

"Hey, Joe, do you know about cyborg technology?" Cookie asked him.

Joe looked up from his laptop. "I do! I actually experimented with it once, but I didn't get it working right."

"Maybe I can show you how to work it," Cookie said.

"That would really be helpful! That way, I don't have to keep pulling out this big laptop during the middle of class."

"Moze, what are you interested in?" Phil asked.

"I liked woodshop in middle-school," Moze said. "It's too bad they don't have it here in high-school."

"Well, they've got auto-tech, which is something very similar. You like maintaining cars?" Phil asked.

"Not really, but I can give it a shot," Moze said.

"Great," Phil grinned. But then, the six shut up when they felt an uncomfortable silence in the room. They turned to face the front, and they saw Mr. Matzger with his arms crossed.

"Detention for the six of you," he said in an upset manner.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Ned, Cookie, Moze, Phil, Tyler, and Joe were sitting in Mr. Matzger's classroom that afternoon for detention. Mr. Matzger was gone, so they could talk freely without having to worry about keeping silent.

"Man, I hate detention," sighed Cookie.

"Me too," Moze said. "This is going on my spotless record. I can't believe you goons got us into this mess!" she directed her anger at Phil, Tyler, and Joe.

"Actually, it was Ned who started talking," Phil said, glaring at Ned.

"Well I just wanted to say hi. I didn't want to carry a conversation about…pickup trucks and diesel engines…you big…fatty," Ned said.

Phil stood up and towered over Ned. Normally, Phil wouldn't harm a fly, despite his large size, but in this case, he wanted to use his size to intimidate Ned briefly. "Did you just call me fat?" he said in a dangerous tone.

"So what if I did?" Ned shot at Phil.

Phil started to grab Ned, but Tyler intervened and said, "Guys, guys, settle down. Let's shut up before Mr. Matzger comes back."

Phil and Ned grumbled to themselves as they walked away from each other. Phil called Tyler and Joe to one corner of the room, while Ned called Cookie and Moze to the opposite corner of the room.

"Hey, Ned, remember when you used to write a survival guide for middle-school? Why don't you make one for high-school? In it, you can have a section about dealing with big blowhards like Phil," Cookie said.

"I heard that," Phil called from across the room.

"Good idea," said Ned. "I'm on it…as soon as we get out of this class."

Meanwhile, Phil, Tyler, and Joe talked amongst themselves. "I hate guys like Ned. They start up lots of trouble and blame others for it. You two were there. You saw that Ned was the one who started all this by talking to us," said Phil. Tyler and Joe nodded in agreement. "I'm starting a project. It's a survival guide written in a standard composition notebook that gives students tips about how to survive high-school. I'll call it 'Phil's High-School Survival Guide.'

"Sounds good, Phil," said Tyler.

When detention ended that day, all six students returned to their homes. The next day was quite a day of conflict between the groups.

Tyler and Joe walked up to Phil's locker. "Have you started on that survival guide, yet?" Tyler asked.

"Yes, and it's finished!" Phil smiled as he took out a set of composition books.

Tyler and Joe looked them over and smiled. "Awesome, Phil," Joe said. "You know what? You should sell a bunch of these to other students."

Just then, Ned, Cookie, and Moze walked up. "What's that?" Moze asked, grabbing a composition book from Phil. Her eyes widened in shock. "Ned! Ned! Look at this!" She shoved the composition book into Ned's hands. Ned had the same expression as Moze.

He jabbed the composition book into Phil's large stomach. "You guys are writing a high-school survival guide! That was _our_ idea! You stole it!" Ned shouted.

"No, you twerp, it was completely original. Phil came up with the idea," said Tyler.

"But Ned wrote a survival guide for middle-school. That makes him more qualified to write one for high-school," said Cookie.

"Well Phil is smarter, stronger, and funnier than Ned ever dreams he would be," Tyler smirked.

"You take that back!" Ned yelled. "I'll bet that I'm smarter than Phil."

"Okay, simplify 3x + 4 times 5x + 6," Joe said.

"Uh…uh…" Ned stuttered. He turned to Moze. "Moze, help me! I'm terrible at math."

"The answer is 15x squared plus 38x plus 10," Phil stated before Moze could help Ned.

"Correct, Phil!" Tyler said. "Okay, during the Revolutionary War, did George Washington win or lose the battle in New York?"

"He lost," Phil said.

"That's right," said Joe.

"What! I thought he won," Ned said with despair.

Before Tyler was about to ask another question, Cookie interrupted by saying, "This is getting us nowhere. I don't care how smart Phil is – Ned's declassified school survival guide kicks butt!" Ned and Moze shouted in agreement.

"Okay then…let's have a little contest," Tyler said. "Whichever side sells more books is the better author. Deal?"

"Deal," Ned said, shaking Tyler's hand. He then turned to Cookie and Moze. "Come on, guys, let's make some survival guides!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The next morning, Phil, Tyler, and Joe entered the school with a card table and set it up along the side of the hall. They placed hundreds of composition notebooks, which, of course, were the high-school survival guides. Ned, Cookie, and Moze set up a stand directly across from Phil, Tyler, and Joe. They also had high-school survival guides.

A student passed Phil's stand. "Excuse me, sir, but won't you buy my high-school survival guide? It has high-quality tips that are sure to help you succeed," Phil said.

"I heard that dude over there is selling them," the kid said, pointing to Ned and his crew.

"He is, but his survival guide is unfairly biased and full of completely useless information. My staff and I have confirmed that everything in this set of survival guides is one-hundred percent correct. Not only that, but we are selling them for $10, whereas Ned is selling his for a whooping $20."

"Sold!" the kid said, handing over $10. Phil handed him a set of composition books.

"Have a nice day!" Phil smiled. Then, he smiled smugly at Ned, Cookie, and Moze. "You guys don't stand a chance."

"We'll see about that," Ned said. "Hey, guys!" he shouted. "Buy my survival guide!"

Nevertheless, it did get the students' attention. However, they looked rather frightened by the incident. Phil said, "Why would anyone buy a survival guide from someone who cannot act professional? Would you expect such a person to write a well-thought out survival guide? I think not." With that, people swarmed over to Phil's stand to buy all his survival guides. Phil, Tyler, and Joe were getting richer by the second, while Ned, Cookie, and Moze just sat glumly across the hall watching the other side's success.

As the crowd thinned out minutes later, Phil, Tyler, and Joe closed their stand to head off to class. "Well, we sold every last one of our guides," Tyler sneered. "Perhaps you guys should be better at marketing." With that, Phil, Tyler, and Joe laughed. But they weren't laughing for long.

Mr. Matzger stormed into the hall. "Phillip! Tyler! Joseph! You guys are in big trouble!"

They gulped. "Wh-wh-what did we do?" Joe asked nervously.

"You sold high-school survival guides!" Mr. Matzger snapped.

"So…" Phil asked.

"The school charter clearly forbids students to sell items without expressed permission from a school administrator!" Mr. Matzger exclaimed.

"Oh…" Tyler said.

"Come with me…you're going to detention for 5 straight weeks!" Mr. Matzger said as he literally dragged them to the detention room.

Ned, Cookie, and Moze howled in laughter. "Whew, it's a good thing we didn't sell any survival guides," Cookie said.

"Yeah," Moze said. "Otherwise we'd have detention, too."

"It's good that Phil, Tyler, and Joe got what was coming to them. They deserved it after acting so superior to us," Ned said.

"So, what do you say we close this stand and go to our classes?" Moze suggested.

"That's a good idea," Ned smiled.

**The End**


End file.
